Predicament of a Pineapple Placer
I’ve gotten to know my roommate, Will, pretty well since arriving in Tuscaloosa. We hang out together almost every weekend, have been camping twice, and often give each other THAT look in public, the one that signifies that we’re on the same page about the current social situation. We’ve always gotten along and are leasing an apartment next year.
Because we’ve had virtually no problems as roommates, in an attempt to entertain ourselves, the two of us have opened up a can of worms, and started a prank war. This began right before one of our other roommates, Jordan, left early in the semester to study abroad in Italy. For about a week, Will, a few other friends, and I sat in either Will’s room or mine, and blew up balloons until we had exhausted our diaphragms. When we had blown up the last balloon, Will’s room and mine were both half full of balloons. With the balloons ready, all we needed was the right opportunity to strike.
Jordan often left his door unlocked, but because he was enrolled in no classes at the University, he spent most of his time in his room. After a few days of random balloon bursts in our rooms, we got our chance. Jordan went to a pancake on the second floor of our building. Will and I knew that Jordan often stayed until the end of these events to socialize, so we would have plenty of time. We quickly moved approximately 800 balloons into Jordan’s room, filling it nearly to the ceiling. When Jordan finally got back and opened his door he could only stand and gape as Will and I jumped out of the mass and yelled “ARRIVEDERCI!”
After Jordan left, the pranks unfortunately took a dip in quality. We had no third party to target, so we targeted each other. The pranks had to be on a smaller scope, because we couldn’t call on the other for help. I noted that it was this collaboration that made the balloon prank so great. I began to think how I could make the prank war great again, and I think I’ve figured out a way.
The balloon prank was great because of the scope of it; 800 balloons worth of prank hit Jordan in half a second. I can’t pull off something that big on my own. I needed to be smarter, more subtle. I need to make Will think that either someone else is messing with 
Over the past couple of weeks, I have been placing pineapples in and around Will’s belongings. Yes, full pineapples. Every couple of days, after classes, I’ll go to Walmart and buy a pineapple, Will’s favorite fruit, for about $2.50. I sneak it into our dorm at the bottom of my backpack, hide it under my bed and wait for an opportunity. I placed the first pineapple on his bed when he was out of the dorm. Miraculously, I managed to keep a straight face as he freaked out about someone coming into our dorm when he wasn’t home, and leaving a pineapple in his bed. Will sent out an APB on the Ridgecrest GroupMe, and I knew that pineapple placement was going to be good for quite a few laughs.
I placed the second pineapple in the bottom of Will’s backpack one night after he had gone to bed. The next morning, I received a distraught Snapchat from him in the middle of my thermal physics class. The picture was of him in his differential equations class, and the pineapple in his bag. It was accompanied by the caption,”Look what I found when I was looking for my homework. WHO THE HELL IS DOING THIS?!?!” I managed to avoid causing a major disturbance by disguising my violent laughter as a minor coughing fit.
With the third pineapple I took things to the next level. I came back to the dorm one day because my computer science class had been canceled, and heard Will in the shower. Quickly, I retrieved a pineapple from under my bed, and placed it at the bottom of his basket of freshly cleaned laundry. I then bolted off to North Lawn Hall, where I usually have computer science. In order to establish the alibi that I was in class, I sent timestamped Snapchats to him and a mutual friend from an occupied lecture hall. When I got back to the dorm later, Will confronted me and accused me of being the Ridgecrest pineapple placer.
He told me that whoever it was must have come into the room while he was in the shower. I rebutted that it couldn’t be me, because I don’t have enough time to come back to come back to the dorm before computer science, and suggested he check his Snapchat. Will opened his phone and looked a bit white. He had been sure that it was me, but how could it be. I wasn’t there, according to this false evidence. With all suspicion of my involvement gone I was feeling pretty good.
I have since placed another five pineapples, and with each one, I can tell that Will is getting more and more distressed. However Will has only found four. The last one is in an otherwise empty, locked drawer in his room (I learned how to pick locks for the sole purpose of placing that pineapple). I won’t leave anymore for the next couple of weeks, but I can’t wait until he finally unlocks that drawer when cleaning out his room, to find a pineapple with googly eyes and a stupid grin glued to the front staring him in the face.
My predicament now, is that there are seven, soon to be eight, pineapples in our refrigerator. We’re going to eat them soon, but I feel that eating chilled pineapple may get a bit monotonous. I therefore took it upon myself to find a new and interesting dish that incorporates pineapple.
Grilled maple-chipotle pineapple rings
2 Tbsp pure maple syrup
Juice of 1/2 lime
1 tsp adobo sauce from a can of chipotle peppers in adobo
1/8 tsp kosher salt
1 large pineapple
Mix together the maple syrup, lime juice, adobo sauce, and salt.
Cut pineapple into rings, about ¼ inch thick.
Use a basting brush to coat pineapple rings in mixture.
Cook rings in a panini press for 4-5 minutes, basting them once every minute.
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