April 26, 2020

My daughter has begun playing with imaginary friends – she takes them to the park, pushes them on the swing, holds hands and walks around with them. It’s incredibly sweet and sad at the same time, as it feels like it’s partially driven by loneliness and missing other children.

May 2, 2020

I’ve started staying up late, after L___ and E___ have gone to bed, just to have a moment that’s mine, with no one to ask anything of me. I know how lucky and privileged I am, but I still feel like little pieces of me are slipping away. Will they come back, when this is over?

May 8, 2020

We need profound change in this country. And yet, almost everything I see and reads makes me terribly afraid that we’re going to continue moving in precisely the opposite direction – that Trump will be reelected, that more conservative judges will be appointed, that all the most important gains of the last hundred years will be rolled back, and the country delivered wholesale into the hands of the rich and corrupt. When I think of everything we face, all my little efforts at protesting, donating, helping seem so paltry and pointless. I have to believe that drops of water can make a flood, but it everything feels so bleak just now.

Even as taking care of my daughter all day is wearing on me, I feel deeply thankful that I have her in my life – someone who is so constantly living in the moment, who is so effortlessly joyful, who forces me to laugh and be present, and who reminds me that delight can be found in small things and simple acts, energetically performed.

May 15, 2020

Things have started to open back up here this week, and even though businesses are supposed to be practicing social distancing, judging by packed restaurant patios, they aren’t. I suppose everyone just wants to get back to normal, but I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can’t believe the university thinks it’s going to be able to open up in the fall.

June 4, 2020

My mother-in-law has flown in to help with L__ – hooray!  Life already feels better and more hopeful – probably because I’ve gotten to catch up on sleep.

June 9, 2020

We’ve been to several protests for George Floyd and Black Lives Matter – all very well attended. I hope that these protests translate into a more lasting and sustainable movement for change, here and across the country. Trump deserves to be jailed for his response, the would-be dictator.

Small changes are happening at the university, at least. Confederate monuments were removed overnight, and there are calls to finally rename the buildings on campus that are named after notorious white supremacists. It’s about damn time.

July 5, 2020

L___ has gone back to daycare, and I feel really conflicted about it. There’s no question that it was the right choice from a mental and emotional health standpoint, but there’s a very real chance that there will be an outbreak. Toddlers do not social distance, and who knows what the other families are doing.

There’s a story making the rounds that college students here have been throwing “COVID parties,” deliberately trying to get sick and betting on the results. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but it’s definitely true that our students are not taking this seriously, and I don’t see why that would change by the fall. I know that university officials (and city officials) are terrified that if we don’t open back up, enrollments will plummet, and that the university and the entire town will be plunged into an economic crisis. But to open up, even with lots of restrictions and precautions, still feels like a recipe for disaster.

July 28, 2020

Got tested for COVID today, as part of the university’s reopening protocol. Both tested negative. Felt awful, like they were attempting to remove my brain through my nose. But a real bright side was that we had some friends over for a socially distant hang out, as we’ve done several times this summer, but this time we hugged everyone who’d been tested. It felt wonderful and strange. I wonder, when this is all over, will we just go back to interacting the way we used to? Or will it feel somehow dangerous and inappropriate? Will L__ be able to go up to children on the playground to play, or will these months of us preventing her change the way she approaches other kids?

August 3, 2020

The past few months feel like a blur. I’ve given up wondering when this will all be over, when we’ll be able to live our lives the way we used to. I’m just trying to focus on the days and weeks immediately before me, and to focus on what I can control and influence. I’m trying not to worry too much about the university reopening, even though I’m expecting a massive spike, and for us to be online-only by Labor Day.

I went to a small, student-led BLM protest on Sunday. I felt proud that these students were continuing to force people here to think about racial violence and oppression, when so clearly most just want to forget it and move on.

I feel terribly afraid for our democracy. Trump recently tweeted that voting by mail is fraudulent and that this election should be postponed. He doesn’t have the power to do that, obviously, and I don’t think even other Republicans would support it, though I keep waiting to see what line he can cross that would lose him the support of Congressional Republicans. He’s certainly been given enough rope to hang himself.

I’ve never seriously considered the idea that a sitting president would entirely subvert democracy before. I mean, other presidents have certainly employed dirty tricks, perverting and corrupting democracy. But I’ve never really believed that a sitting president would be willing to seize autocratic control if he could. I’m pleased that everyone can vote by mail here, but I’m not going to. I just don’t trust that my vote will be counted unless I can actually see it fed into the machine. And this is the most important election of my lifetime.

So I guess I am still worrying about the future, and things I can’t control. But I’m going to try to keep finding joy too, and the fire to keep fighting for the things that matter.